


All Around My Hat

by Anorlost



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Shenanigans, Virgin Kylo Ren, hat stealing, hux has a potty mouth, it's a big deal in the navy, phasma is done with this shit, ridiculous fake sex, virgin!Hux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:37:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6654667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anorlost/pseuds/Anorlost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo thinks stealing Hux's hat in front of all of his subordinates will be a pretty hilarious prank.  </p><p>Nobody else seems to think so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Around My Hat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [m_iri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_iri/gifts).



> I am so sorry if this is not what m_iri wanted. I am kind of a crack-fic writer so...I hope you still like it. I really enjoyed writing this, so I hope I can at least give you a laugh.
> 
> The Prompt: Hux and Kylo Ren had very different upbringings, and very different childhoods. Hux was the son of a military man in exile in the Unknown Regions, whereas Kylo is -- well, literally a prince. Surely the differences between their cultures make themselves evident now and then. Let's see one of those moments. This could be something like a phrase that's innocent to one of them and completely lewd to another, a meal or a flavor one has never tasted before, or something larger, like a ritual or holiday that they want to share with the other.
> 
> Btw: Hat stealing to signal sexual interest is a thing, Kylo signalling Hux was on the market was somethin I made up though. Line-crossing is real (but it typically means crossing the equator.) The shit-pit is a challenge that is part of an obstacle course at a certain military college in Canada, minus the barbed wire (they have to push a massive log through it instead). Military personnel and people in military families are known to swear like motherf*ckers. Putting helmets in pillows during pillow fights is discouraged but it happens more often than you'd think. There are also several morale boosting events and traditions where senior staff are lovingly hassled by their juniors.

Speeches were stupid. Especially Hux’s speeches.

  
Kylo sighed for what was probably the tenth or eleventh time that morning. They had finally selected a planet to build the First Order’s super weapon, so of course Hux had to make yet another speech. The General loved making speeches so much he might has well have married the intercom. It seemed every time Kylo was about to get some peace and quiet, Hux’s voice would come blaring over the speakers about some breach in protocol or a reminder that a certain rule was in effect, or something about the glory of the Old Empire and the destiny of the First Order.

  
Kylo was getting sick of the sound of Hux’s voice.

  
If he had had any choice in the matter, he would have stayed in his quarters. He would have meditated or trained with his lightsaber, or anything else to get out of the cold wind on the surface of the forested winter planet. It was far too cold to be out here, in Kylo’s own opinion. The cold ripped through all his layers and chilled his bones. He really wanted to be inside. But no, he had to be out here, on this platform, in the wind, listening to another speech. Being in front of the construction crew, the officers, and platoon after platoon of Stormtroopers, it was not as if he could have brought his datapad either. If only he could have been in some secluded corner, or somewhere in the crowd so he could do something that was not as tedious as standing still and pretending to be interested.

  
He had tried meditating through it, but Hux’s voice was not one that could be easily tuned out. Ever since Kylo had first heard him speak he had realized that the General’s was a voice that could be ignored easily. It was very distinct, his choice of wording eloquent, and his oration on point at all times. It was a voice that might have belonged to a storyteller, a spell-caster, a mythical beast that caused sailors to crash their ships on rocks. Kylo had to admit, the General had a nice voice, but he wasted it on tedium and unimportant minutia, and he used it over the intercom far too often.

  
Like now. Why did they need a speech before starting to build a weapon? Why not have the speech after the weapon had been completed? It was not as if anyone had accomplished anything yet. Kylo was fairly certain they would accomplish more if the workers were given their tasks and told to have at it instead of having everyone attend this farce.

  
Kylo wanted to make the General pay for forcing him to sit through this. There was no need for Kylo to be here. He was not an official member of the Order, so his attendance was entirely ceremonial. Having a picture of the Supreme Leader in the corner would have achieved the same end as having his apprentice standing off to the side on the platform. Kylo thought of what he could do to Hux. Push him off the stage? No, nothing that would hospitalize him, that might displease his Master. Trip him? No, probably nothing that would cause too much of a stir. Best not assault the General in front of thousands of armed men and women who were trained to defend him. Just something that was enough to displease the General, to mildly humiliate him, to make sure he would never ask Kylo to attend another one of his inconsequential speeches again.

  
His hat. That would work. Kylo would snatch the cap right from the General’s head in full view of all his little minions. It was not violent, it was not debilitating, but it would no doubt annoy the man and bring some much needed levity to the ceremony. Kylo smiled behind the mask as he waited for Hux’s speech to wind itself down.

  
He finished, finally, saluting smartly before turning sharply and making his way off the platform in an orderly fashion. Kylo stepped into his path, blocking the General. Hux looked up at him and sighed through his nose, letting out an irate groan, “Ren…”

  
Kylo reached out and snatched the hat from the General’s head. The parade square, which had been abuzz with troops leaving their post and officers returning to their duties went silent. Hux held his hand out, clearly upset, but doing his best not to make a scene. He flexed his fingers, motioning for Kylo to pass the hat back.

  
Kylo had a better idea.

  
Smiling from behind his mask, Kylo examined the hat before placing it over-top of his hood and helmet. The crowd below let out a collective gasp of astonishment. Hux blanched and actually took a step back. Kylo was slightly unnerved by the overreaction to stealing a hat, but these soldiers were obsessed with their uniforms.

  
“What’s the matter, General?” asked Kylo, “Nexu got that silver tongue of you-”

  
Hux’s boot collided so suddenly with the side of Kylo’s face that he did not have a chance to block it. If he had not been wearing his mask he was sure his cheekbone would have been smashed in and his nose would have been broken. Kylo Ren, all six feet and three inches of him, was sent flying backwards, sliding across the stage before coming to a halt at Captain Phasma’s feet.

  
It was so silent that Kylo’s smarmy, sarcastic voice carried loud and clear through the parade square, “What was that for? If you want you can wear mine later.”

  
There was another loud gasp from the assembly as Kylo’s words were relayed to the furthest corners of the square. Kylo sat up and stared at Hux, who was stunned, looking paler than usual, before he began to turn an absurd shade of red. Quickly he started to cross the platform again, barely pausing to snatch his cap off the ground. He did not look at Kylo as he passed.

  
Kylo looked over at Phasma, “What was that all about?”

  
He heard a sigh from behind Phasma’s helmet. She looked about before discreetly instructing him, “Come to the officer’s cantina tonight…you’ll want to have a drink or two before I explain it.”

  
***

  
For the rest of the day Kylo could not escape the sound of whistling and cheering.

  
These were hardly the sounds he was usually greeted by. Usually everyone around him passed in silence, occasionally bowing and uttering a quiet, “Lord Ren” before continuing whatever task they had been given. They certainly never did anything to try to catch his attention. Now they were congratulating him, flashing a thumbs up, wolf whistling, and Kylo had no idea why.

  
Hux was not unpopular. He was not loved, exactly, but he was feared and respected amongst the crew and the troops. They could not have been overjoyed that Ren had stolen his hat and caused him to blush. Some might have found it funny, but such a childish prank should not have caused this much jubilation. Were they impressed he had survived a massive kick that Kylo could hardly believe came from the General’s lanky body? It was slightly more probable.

  
The attention had been amusing at first, but by the time he met with Captain Phasma he had become irritated with it. He could not walk down a hall, or go to the kitchen, or use the exercise area without somebody shouting out their congratulations and letting out a war-whoop. He growled to himself as he entered the cantina and was met with more whistling.

  
Spotting Phasma at the bar was not a challenge. Seeing her without her helmet was always unusual, but her shining chrome armour always rendered her recognizable. Kylo stomped over to her, pulling off his mask as he did, “Captain, what the hell is going on?”

  
“Sit down, have a drink and I’ll fill you in,” groaned the Captain, swirling an amber liquid around her glass before gingerly taking a sip.

  
Kylo did as he was bade, calling out for a glass of something strong. He did not care what it was. The droid at the bar would not accept such a vague order so he asked for whatever Phasma was having. Once he drained half of his glass he asked again, “Why is everyone acting like I just singlehandedly decimated the New Republic’s entire fleet?”

  
“Do you know anything about military traditions, Lord Ren?” Phasma countered with her own question.

  
“No, I’m not one of your ilk,” huffed Kylo.

  
“Well, many military organizations have their own traditions, their covert signals, their inside jokes,” explained Phasma, “Crossing the Line for example. When new officers cross borders between systems for the first time there is a raucous initiation ceremony.”

  
“Fascinating. Is this going to go somewhere useful, Captain?” demanded Kylo.

  
“Taking another officer’s hat, or a trooper’s helmet, and placing it on your head is not a prank to be taken lightly,” said Phasma sharply, “It began decades ago when fraternization laws were different. If one member of the crew was interested in another, they needed a discreet way to signal their interest without verbalizing it.”

  
Kylo set his drink down slowly. He turned to face the Captain, “I’m hoping by ‘signaling their interest’ you mean…getting together for a drink…playing cards…?”

  
“No, Lord Ren, I don’t,” said Phasma, draining her glass and signaling for the droid to keep them coming. She looked at Kylo, annoyed, “You just marched up to the General, in front of everyone, and offered to fuck him.”

  
“And then when I added that he could take my…” Kylo trailed off.

  
“That’s right,” said Phasma with a fascetious grin, “You asked if he would rather fuck you.”

  
Kylo looked back at his glass and mumbled, “Oh my god…” He leaned over the bar, “Oh my god…” He rested his head in his hands, “Oh my _god_ …”

  
“You’re lucky he only kicked you. I would have done far worse,” snorted Phasma.

  
“What do I do?” asked Kylo, trying not to panic, “There has to be a way to take it back, right? I didn’t mean to do…that.”

  
Phasma sighed, “Well I think he made his rejection clear enough, but you did make a public declaration of your desire in front of the entire Finalizer crew as well as the Starkiller Base construction teams. It’s not something that is going to be easily forgotten. With the boldness of your proposition combined with your ceremonial rank, you’ve also signalled the General is sexually available. I doubt he’s pleased with you.”

  
Kylo drained his glass and Phasma called to the droid, “He’ll have another.”

  
“So what you’re telling me…is everyone on this Star Destroyer…thinks I desperately want to have sex with the General,” stammered Kylo, reaching for his fresh drink with shaking hands.

  
“Perhaps this will help you learn to think before you decide to play a prank at an official First Order function,” huffed Phasma.

  
There was silence as the doors to the bar opened. It was followed by laughter and a sound that was somewhere between a cheer and a catcall, accompanied by, of course, more wolf-whistles. General Hux walked up to the bar, red faced, and sat on the opposite side of Phasma. It seemed, at least in the cantina, everyone more or less forgot about rank. Otherwise Kylo doubted the officers would make noises like that at their General.

  
Hux ordered a drink and Phasma huffed, “Don’t either of you dare make me your go between.”

  
“I won’t,” said Hux dryly, glaring past her at Kylo, “I’ve had my own men catcalling me behind their consoles all day. What do you have to say for yourself?”

  
“I didn’t know, alright,” snapped Kylo, returning to his drink.

  
“Well, now that you do know, how do you plan on fixing it?” demanded Hux.

  
“You could just sleep with each other,” suggested Phasma sarcastically.

  
Both men let out simultaneous cries of disgust.

  
“Just a thought…” said the Captain before returning to her drink.

  
“I am not spending another day being referred to as General Sex-Kitten,” snarled Hux, “You are going to fix this!”

  
“General Sex-Kitten?” asked Kylo.

  
Hux huffed, “My men are well trained and capable in their fields, but none of them are remotely close to being poets. I mean it Ren, ever since you _propositioned_ me everyone seems to think it’s alright if they have a go at it. You will find a way to fix this so I can return to my duties in peace.”

  
“I’m…I’m trying, alright! I don’t want anyone thinking I want to sleep with you either,” hissed Kylo, holding his head in his hands as he stared down at the bar, “It was just a stupid joke. If I’d known what it meant…”

  
“Well in the meantime I suppose I’ll just have to put up with being called General Firm-Legs and General God-Please-Let-Me-Run-My-Hands-Through-Your- Silken-Ginger-Tresses, shall I?” grumbled Hux.

  
Phasma snorted.

  
“It’s not funny Captain,” mumbled Hux.

  
“It is a little funny, Sir. I’m sure when this passes it will be something we can laugh about,” assured Phasma.

  
“…No way out…” groaned Kylo, face down on the bar, “…no way out…”

  
“I’m sure it will be a wonderful little lark,” seethed Hux before downing his drink.

  
“…no way out…”

  
“It could be worse, Sir. You could have accidentally killed him and had to explain the situation to the Supreme Leader.”

  
“…no way out…”

  
“It’s really hard for me to see the silver lining when I have to contend with being addressed as General Hot-Buns.”

  
“…no way out…”

  
“General _Hot-Buns_?”

  
“…no way out…”

  
“That’s right, General Hot-”

  
Kylo reached past Phasma and grasped Hux’s forearm, “I’ve thought of a way out. Come with me.”

  
***

  
Kylo had initially wondered why Hux had not just sent anyone who catcalled him to reconditioning and called it a day. Walking through the halls of the Finalizer, shoulder to shoulder with the General, he was starting to realize why that was not a feasible way to deal with the situation.

  
As soon as word had gotten out that Lord Ren and General Hux were walking together towards the Officer’s Quarters, it seemed like the entire crew had come out to watch. It would be impossible for Hux, even if he had a datapad out and wrote down as many names as he could when they passed, the General would never be able to record them all. There were too many. And with this many soldiers out of line, if they were all sent to reconditioning or sent to the brig, there would be nobody left to operate the ship’s many controls. The most Hux could probably do was assign extra training or cut back on rations, the First Order equivalent of a slap on the wrist.

  
It was chaos and disorder, everything thrown out of balance, and Kylo could feel Hux’s discomfort radiating off of him like heat radiated off of the surface of a star. All the while the General walked, stoically keeping his face neutral as all manner of ridiculous names were flung at him. Kylo had no idea that all this chaos could be sparked by such an innocent little prank. It was just supposed to piss Hux off a little and elicit a slight laugh from his men. It was not supposed to signal to the now incontrollable crew and that Kylo was a ballsy Casanova and certainly not that Hux was available to anyone who had the guts to ask.

  
Kylo had no idea how Hux could keep himself so calm with his crew surrounding him and coming very close to acting like wild animals, shoving their hats at him as he kept his hands clasped behind his back. Kylo was not nervous for his own safety. All he had to do was activate his lightsaber or use a little of the Force if the situation turned violent, but nonetheless, the attention was not wanted and unnerving. Behind his mask Kylo was flushed and grimacing. Hux kept his scowl fixed and somehow managed to keep a blush from spreading over his pale face.

  
“You’re not going to scare them off?” Hux muttered out the side of his mouth.

  
“No, they need to see you coming with me,” replied Kylo quietly, “Its part of the plan.”

  
“Good, I don’t want to deal with one of your tantrums on top of this…”

  
Kylo was not sure if he would be able to take this sort of attention all the way back to his quarters. The number of bodies in the halls forced him to press closer to Hux out of necessity. There simply would have been no way to get through otherwise. The closer they got the more riled up the crew became.

  
“Be sure to treat our General like a lady, Lord Ren!”

  
“Don’t give him any quarter, Lord Ren!”

  
“Ditch Lord Ren and come with me General Hot-Buns!”

  
“Wouldn’t mind being kicked around by those legs!”

  
“See if that pretty mouth is good for more than speeches!”

  
“General Sex-Pot, you can take my hat instead!”

  
“Be gentle with our darling General, Lord Ren!”

  
There was more cheering and whistling. Kylo could feel Hux’s discomfort spike every time a particularly dirty sounding name or suggestion was shouted out. Strangely though, Hux was not offended by it. He…he had expected it? As off-putting as the whole situation was Kylo picked up a train of thought that he was shocked to find came from the General’s mind. It was all a joke, it was a tradition, he would just have to put up with it until it ended. Kylo sensed a desire for the catcalling to end, but there were definitely traces of annoyed resignation as well. The same Hux who would chew out a private in front of everyone for scuffed boots was resigning himself to obscenities being howled at him because it was some tradition!?

  
Kylo pulled Hux into his quarters and the howling was muffled slightly by the blast doors. Hux crossed his arms over his chest, not seeming to have realized that Kylo’s plan was to bring him to his quarters. Kylo sensed a part of him tense as he wondered if Kylo would actually try to have sex with him.

  
The knight sighed, “Look…I didn’t know what it meant when I took your hat. I didn’t think it would turn out like this.”

  
Hux rolled his eyes, “So, what is this brilliant plan of yours?”

  
“We…we fake it,” said Kylo, “We make a lot of loud noises, pretend I’m wreaking your-”

  
“If we’re fake fucking,” said Hux irately, the letter F coming out in a particularly eloquent huff, “I’m fake topping. You did put that offer on the table, remember?”

  
“Fine, doesn’t matter anyways. The point is, we just make a racket and they’ll be satisfied. I’ll have followed through with my…uh…announcement, you’ll be off the market-” Kylo began to explain.

  
“And I’ll have everyone believing I made Kylo fucking Ren my own personal bitch,” said Hux devilishly.

  
Hux swearing was not something that Kylo was used to. He was so stunned he forgot to make more objections about Hux pretending to top him. The General never swore in public. Perhaps this was what he was like in private? The words crossed his lips naturally enough and each curse came out perfectly enunciated, almost elegant. Kylo arched his brow, “Is that how you normally…”

  
“Talk? Bet your shit it is you cock-sucking bastard,” said Hux with his usual succinctness, every swear coming out smooth and well-spoken. The hard ‘k’ sounds when he said ‘cock’ and the prolonged ‘sh’ in ‘shit’ were particularly nice in a bizarre sort of way, “You don’t come out of the goddamned Academy without learning how to swear motherfucking circles around bitch-ass civis like you.”

  
“Then if you talk like that…they also…” Kylo trailed off.

  
“They were watching their language out of courtesy because of my rank. That’s fucking tame compared to Line Crossing shenanigans,” said Hux, jerking his thumb towards the door, “And it was downright respectful compared to what they would have done if I was a fucking private.”

  
“Ah, okay, so…um…how do we…?” Kylo asked, gesturing between himself and Hux.

  
“What do you fucking mean ‘how do we’ you insufferable ass! This was your kriffing plan!” snapped Hux.

  
“Well, you like to come up with strategies so I just thought you’d take over when we got here!” countered Kylo.

  
“And why, pray tell, do you think I’m the expert on fucking,” growled Hux.

  
“Because…because…you’re the worldly young General,” accused Kylo, “I alternately spent my life in Temples and by…” He trailed off. Despite Hux’s rank he had not been told about Kylo’s upbringing. The General probably had his suspicions with Kylo’s picky eating habits, his reluctance to conform to military life and the exotic hair products he used that he’d had a fairly lavish upbringing. Now hardly seemed the time to bring that up though. He finished by challenging Hux, “You can’t tell me with all these stupid traditions and foul language you’ve never had sex before!”

  
“No, I haven’t. I was bred and raised for one purpose, and to that one purpose I devoted every scrap of time and energy at my disposal. And guess what Fuck-face, that purpose wasn’t fucking like a Nerf in heat!” Hux snapped back, “Aren’t you on the side of the Force that’s supposed to be kriffing seducing everybody?”

  
“That’s not what they mean when they say-” Kylo cut himself off, “Look, we have to start making noise before they think we’re…you know…gently and lovingly…”

  
“Ugh…” groaned Hux, his face scrunching in disgust.

  
The General looked around Kylo’s quarters, analyzing the bare walls and lack of décor. He looked at the bookshelf intently. Kylo worried he might charge at it and fling it to the ground his stare was so intense. Hux looked at the couch, then an open doorway that led to the bedroom. Without waiting for permission he strode towards it with quick, determined strides.

  
“Hey! Hey I didn’t say you could do that!” Kylo shouted loudly after him.

  
The protest was loud enough to have carried through the blast doors, eliciting a muffled cheer from the rabble gathered outside Kylo’s quarters.

  
Kylo followed Hux quickly into the bedroom. The General had thankfully passed his grandfather’s mask without touching or commenting on it. Instead he marched up to the bed and without regard for the satiny blankets hopped on top of it. Kylo stared in shock as General Hux, with his boots still on, started lazily jumping on the bed. Loud creaks sang through the air as boards strained and springs were pressed on. With a board expression on his face Hux called out, “ _You like it that way don’t you bitch!_ ”

  
Another dull cheer was stifled by the doors and Kylo asked quizzically, “Is that what people say during sex?”

  
“They say it when they haze the newbies. To be honest I don’t see much difference between fucking and hazing,” mumbled Hux dismissively, “In both cases it ends with someone sweaty, half dressed, covered in fluids and damned near traumatized."

  
“Right, I’ll take over jumping, keep saying whatever you think sounds right,” said Kylo, stooping down to remove his shoes, “And take your damned boots off.”

  
Hux rolled his blue-green eyes again as Kylo took over on the bed. His inflections were all correct, but there was something eerie about Hux calling out, sounding like he was in the throes of some ecstasy while his face remained passive and unreadable. He glanced up at Kylo, “Say something too. I’m giving you the fucking of a lifetime here.”

  
“ _Oh General, you’re so…_ ” Kylo wracked his brain for an adjective, “ _Svelte_.”

  
Hux cocked his brow, “What the hell is svelte?”

  
“It’s what you are, under that uniform,” explained Kylo. He shrugged, “I don’t know it’s a word I heard a lot to describe people who look like you.”

  
Hux let out a few more curses and idle threats about plowing Kylo into the mattress before he jumped up on the bed again. Kylo was slightly taken aback when Hux held him by the waist, but realized if the General did not hold onto him somehow one of them would probably fly off the bed. He shrugged and held Hux by the shoulders, occasionally shouting out how he, ‘really liked it there’ or how Hux should do it, ‘yes, again, just like that.’ Hux continued to swear like a drill sergeant and looked at Kylo quizzically, “How long do people usually do this for? _You like this you fucking slut!?_ ”

  
“I don’t know…half an hour, forty-five minutes? _There! Yes! Do that again!_ ”

  
“Better go an hour just to be safe. Cock, I could be doing something so much better with my time… _That’s right! Take it bitch!_ ”

  
Hux lost his footing slightly and stumbled forward into Kylo, his foot grazing painfully along Kylo’s shin. The knight let out a surprised, pained yelp and the crowd outside let out another encouraging cheer.

  
Hux grinned, “So that’s how it’s supposed to sound…”

  
Kylo glared at the General, “Hux. No.”

  
Hux tackled Kylo to the bed, sending out the loudest creak yet and eliciting a surprised shout from Kylo. Straddling him, Hux snatched one of the feather pillows and began mercilessly pummeling Hux with it. Kylo shielded his face, not sure if he was amused or offended by General Hux repeatedly smacking a pillow against his face, snarling and grunting with effort with each strike.

  
“ _Oh my god Hux, what the hell!?_ ” shouted Kylo, “ _Hux! God damn it Hux not so hard!_ ”

  
_“Shitty-ass-cock-sucking-motherfucker-always-fucking-up-my-god-damned-life!_ ” Hux snarled loudly, still pummeling Kylo with a pillow, _“And its General Hux to you, you punk-ass bitch!_ ”

  
Kylo was so shocked by the strings of curses coming from the usually well-spoken General that he kept forgetting to fight back. He recalled his mother shooting him looks of disapproval when he used light curses like hell and damn. He remembered his uncle banning all of Hux’s explicit vocabulary at his temple. This was how Hux normally talked? This was how people casually spoke to each other at the Academy? Did Hux kiss his mother with that mouth? Did Hux even have a mother…?

  
“Do you have to talk like that…” mumbled Kylo.

  
“My language offends you? You, the man who walked up to me in front of everyone and asked to become your bitch? I offend you?” growled Hux.

  
_“God damn it just slow down!”_ protested Kylo.

  
“ _I’ve been waiting to pound you into oblivion from the moment you set your whore-ass-cock-sucking foot on my ship!_ ” replied Hux with a feral grin, “ _No I will not fucking slow down!”_

  
Kylo hissed quietly, “Seriously, get off, I need to get rid of some of these layers. _Oh General you’re so rough!”_

  
Hux gave Kylo a final smack with the pillow before backing off, going back to hopping up and down on the bed and began to shed his own uniform jacket.

  
_“Ah, yes! Like that! That’s better!”_ shouted Kylo, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

  
Hux shrugged. He already looked a bit winded. It had probably been a while since Hux had an intense workout like that. He was already sweaty and pink-faced from exertion. Kylo tossed a pillow at Hux after they had shed a few layers, hitting the General squarely in the head. Hux caught the pillow as it fell from his face and Kylo picked up his own. He whispered, grinning slightly, “Pillow fight?”

  
Hux cocked his brow, “Without putting our helmets in the cases first? _Fuck! Yes!_ ”

  
Kylo stared at him with astonishment, “Uh…yeah? _Oh! Yes! There!_ ”

  
“Strange, but what the hell,” said Hux, taking another swing at Kylo, _“I do it the way you like, don’t I!?”_

  
The two collided on the bed, sometimes occasionally falling off, grunting and letting out the occasional shout or curse. Hux shoved Kylo into the wall with a loud bang and the crowd cheered. Kylo shoved Hux off of the bed, causing the General to curse loudly and there was another cheer. Hux panted, “Has it been an hour yet?”

  
Kylo shrugged, “I don’t know, I forgot to check the time.”

  
“You forgot to check the fucking time!?” snarled Hux in a low voice, “How do we know if we’re doing this long enough if we don’t check the time!?”

  
“J-Just…” Kylo mustered his will to say it, “Fuck you!”

  
Hux grinned with some satisfaction before rising to his feet, “No Ren, fuck you!”

  
It took a few more rounds of pillow fighting before Kylo assumed he and Hux had faked having sex long enough. When he did, they both rammed their shoulders against the wall, letting out simultaneous shouts of passion and allowed themselves to crash onto the bed. Kylo panted. Hux panted. The rabble outside let out a final raucous cheer.

  
“I…haven’t been…this winded…since basic…” panted Hux.

  
Kylo took his datapad from a drawer on the side table and panted back, “Definitely…more than…hour…”

  
They took a few minutes to recover before Hux asked, “How long does it take…cleaning up…getting dressed…?”

  
“I don’t know…” mumbled Kylo, “Ten? Twenty maybe? We should also…stay a little mussed…make it look good?”

  
Hux nodded quietly. He looked like a wreck, sweaty, flushed from exhaustion, his hair tousled from being bombarded with pillows, his tunic discarded. Kylo knew he must have looked just as bad, if not worse given how prone his hair was to tangling. Hux glanced up at Kylo and mused thoughtfully, “You don’t curse much.”

  
“No, why should I? If anything, you curse too much,” said Kylo disapprovingly, “Does everyone else know you talk like that?”

  
“We all do, in private, among our peers, if we’re off-duty. You might go into the Academy thinking it’s beneath you, but I defy anyone to go through the shit-pit and not come out wanting to curse like a fucking scavenger,” scoffed Hux, catching his breath.

  
“Shit-pit?” asked Kylo.

  
“Oh, it was the first year’s obstacle course. As part of a sort of fucked up initiation we’re required to crawled under barbed wire through a trench filled with Nerf shit,” explained Hux.

  
As much as Kylo relished the mental image of Hux covered head to toe in feces, he could not help exclaiming, “That’s disgusting!”

  
“Not really. It’s mixed with chemicals so it’s quite sterile. It’s more about beating down your pride, making sure nobody thinks they’re too good for the shit-crawl. We must seem like a bunch of fucking animals, but our traditions help keep us grounded. No matter how fucking special you think you are, you still have to slog through the same shit as everyone else, and you have to put on a fucking show when some asshole steals your hat.”

  
Kylo recalled his own traditions. Life Day, Birthdays, rewards when he excelled at school, drawings from when he was young kept in a place of honour. All things that would celebrate his individuality. Things that his parents tried to do in order to reassure how special he was. How much he mattered, not necessarily that he mattered to certain people, but that he was unique and important and there would never be another person like him. He could not imagine being young and knowing when he grew up he would be ordered by his father to crawl through animal droppings or have his classmates come after him with makeshift pillowcase bludgeons.

  
“What was that ridiculous thing you called me earlier?” asked Hux.

  
“Svelte?” offered Kylo.

  
“Svelte…never heard it before,” muttered Hux.

  
“It’s probably not a word someone would call you. It’s a polite word for polite company, I’m guessing that’s not something you had much of,” remarked Kylo.

  
“And you would be correct,” said Hux with the ghost of a smile playing on his lips, “I think I like it though. It has a good sound. Svelte.”

  
Kylo had to admit it sounded good when Hux said it. As tedious as his speeches had become he still had a borderline hypnotic speaking voice. Kylo huffed, “Well, it’s usually used to describe women. Slender, elegant ones.”

  
“What’s wrong with a man being slender and elegant? Go ahead and call me elegant. I’m the most elegant fucking thing on this kriffing ship,” scoffed Hux haughtily, “Which was why you must have been so desperate to fuck me.”

  
“Fuck off,” said Kylo, giving Hux a shove, “Time’s up, I’m kicking you out.”

  
“Good riddance then,” said Hux, slipping his tunic over his shoulders, “But really, propositioning me in front of everyone, dragging me here just for a fuck and then throwing me out. You’re such a kriffing slut.”

  
“You watch your mouth,” warned Kylo, retrieving his mask.

  
“Oh, you needn’t worry about that, I have complete control over it,” said Hux, returning to his crisp, deliberate way of speaking, “I hope I don’t see you tomorrow, but I suppose I’m bound to anyways.”

  
Kylo watched Hux leave. He was welcomed as a hero, showered with tabac cigarettes as he passed, stoic as ever with his tunic tucked neatly over his arm. He called out in a bored way for everyone to return to their duties and slowly the crew began to dissipate and return to work. A few stayed behind to offer Kylo cigarettes as he stood in the doorway, sighing and shaking his head at the nonsense. It was a bizarre paradox. These soldiers had much more regimented lives than the Jedi, and yet somehow there was passion and emotion. They behaved in ways that were outright cruel, and yet they seemed closer than most of the families Kylo had come across in his life.

  
Kylo took a moment to consider it. Would he have given up his admittedly comfortable upbringing for the closeness and selective rowdiness of Hux’s? Probably not. He was willing to put up with the call from the light if it meant never having to crawl through shit or get brutally initiated into anything.

  
***

  
“Captain, have you ever heard the General talk in private?” asked Kylo. He was on his fourth drink, relaxing after a quiet day of nobody following him around expecting him to have sex with Hux.

  
“Of course I have. Why?” asked Phasma.

  
“Did you _know?_ ” asked Kylo.

  
“We all talk like that in private, Sir, or among peers of our own rank, if we’re off duty,” explained Phasma, confirming what Hux had told him during their fake one night stand. She cocked her brow, “You don’t approve?”

  
“It’s not that,” said Kylo, even though he didn’t, “I just didn’t expect him to have a mouth on him…”

  
“You’re the only person equal to him in rank on the ship, and he’s technically always on duty, so that was probably his first opportunity to speak freely in a long time,” mused Phasma.

  
“Lucky me,” said Kylo, finishing his drink and ordering another.

  
Hux must have walked in at some point. Kylo had been too drunk to notice. He took his place on Phasma’s other side and called for a drink. He pulled a bundle of cigarettes out of the pocket of his greatcoat and slid them to Phasma. She grinned and accepted them. Hux sipped his gin and tonic, “I don’t want to catch your men smoking them in undesignated areas.”

  
“They won’t, but I’ll remind them,” said Phasma. She placed her cheek in her hand, “I still can’t believe you fooled them by screaming like idiots and jumping on the bed.”

  
Kylo and Hux turned bright pink. Kylo hazarded a quiet, “H-how did you know?”

  
“My quarters are right below yours, you don’t think I heard you two play fighting and shoving each other off the bed?” asked Phasma, “Trust me, that is nothing like how sex is supposed to sound. You’d think…you’re both virgins aren’t you?”

  
“Captain,” said Hux warningly, “You will take all of that information with you to your grave.”

  
Phasma snorted and tried to contain her laughter. From behind and far away she probably just looked like she had a little too much to drink. Hux scowled and sipped his drink gingerly as Kylo downed his. They exchanged a brief, awkward look. Kylo had to admit, fake sex with Hux had been amusing. He got to hit the General, work out some aggressions and learned a little more about how to curse. Hux, for all his stoicism and scowling had probably enjoyed it as well. He was not about to propose that it become a regular occurrence though, and he was not about to steal Hux’s hat and get the crew riled up again. 

“And I hope you learned a lesson in having a little respect for an officer’s uniform, Ren,” said Hux, “I don’t want any more diversions.” 

“I heard you, no need to nag,” said Kylo, reaching for his helmet where he had stored it under the bar, “As if I would ever do something that bone headed again.” 

As he put his helmet on over his head everyone in the cantina let out a gasp. Hux grinned like he had just been promoted to Grand Moff. Phasma’s jaw dropped. Kylo wondered why the visor on his helmet seemed different. 

“Lord Ren, I advise you to remove the Captain’s helmet and start running,” suggested Hux playfully. 

Kylo pulled off the helmet and looked down at it in drunken horror. Phasma glared at him, smashing her glass on the bar so she was holding it by the base, pointing all of the glass edges at Kylo. Force powers at his disposal or no, nobody wanted to withstand the wrath of Phasma. 

For once in his life, Kylo took Hux’s advice and bolted for the door. 


End file.
